


If I Dare

by thefingergunsgirl



Series: Another Night On Mars [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Good Friend, BAMF Logic | Logan Sanders, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Slushies, best buds analogical, logan's parents are abusive, self discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24446146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefingergunsgirl/pseuds/thefingergunsgirl
Summary: Logan is many different people, all at once, but he is never himself.When he meets Virgil, he realizes that and tries to figure it out with the help of one friendly emo and a bunch of slushies.OR: 5 things Logan learned about himself and one thing Virgil showed him.(You don't have to read the rest of the series to understand this fic)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: Another Night On Mars [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738879
Comments: 22
Kudos: 119





	If I Dare

Logan is many different people, all at once. 

At school, he is the nerd. He doesn’t participate in physical education. He speaks in perfect grammar, and he’s every teacher’s favorite student. He never turns in any assignment late. He is always willing to help a fellow student no matter how tired or drained he is because that is what is expected. He spends his lunch periods in the library. He doesn’t understand slang and he always wears a tie, because serious people wear neckties.

At home, he is the failure. No matter how many As or 95s he gets, it is never enough. He doesn’t work hard enough, he tries too hard. He is always too loud, too opinionated. He is too passionate about space and stars. He doesn’t respect his parents enough. He doesn’t avoid the punches and slaps fast enough. He takes up too much space. He is always to blame at home. At home, he is paying off a never-ending debt. He is a modern-day Sisyphus, condemned to try and always fail for all of eternity. 

At church, he is the model child. He does his bible studies and attends youth groups. He confesses sins to a God he doesn’t believe in. He listens to the parables and clenches his fists to stop himself from screaming about the illogical nature of the stories. He is always on time. He wants to scream every time the pastor calls homosexuality wrong. He wants to rage every time he declares there are only two genders. He runs through the statistics in his head,  _ LGBTQ youth are five times as more likely to commit suicide compared to their straight peers. LGBTQ Youth are two times as likely to be bullied at school. 68% of LGBTQ youth receive negative messages about their community from elected officials.  _ He despises his pastor, so many Christians are able to be faithful and respectful to LGBTQ people yet he chooses to hate Logan simply for existing. Logan knows for a fact that if he told his pastor that he was aromantic and asexual his pastor would just clap him on the back and laugh. So he just recites bible verse after bible verse hoping no one will ever notice that he is the imposter

Logan is many different people, but he is never himself. If he lets the masks fall away, what’s left of him?

That is until he met Virgil. When Logan’s around Virgil, all the personas begin away, and it’s terrifying. When Logan is around Virgil he is a different person entirely. 

It takes Logan a long time to realize but the person he is around Virgil is himself. 

So that night, he takes out his journal and starts a new entry titled  _ facts about me _ . 

  1. **He loves rap music**



Logan has no clue what to write for this essay. It’s due tomorrow and he’s been putting it off for an entire week. He doesn’t really see the point in writing essays for history class. All the problems can be simplified down to old white men are bad. It’s not that complex. His word count has been sitting at a tiny 514 for the past 45 minutes, and the classical music flowing through his ears is getting so irritating.

Across from him, Virgil is more successful. He’s working on a short story for English, and he hit the minimum word count an hour ago. His fingers fly across his laptop’s keyboard. For Virgil, writing is like breathing, his words flow and come naturally to him. For Logan, writing feels like smashing his head against a wall until he eventually has a 1000 words to turn in. He wants to scream, and possibly resurrect Mozart just so he can murder him again. 

When he slams his fist down on the table, Virgil looks up.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

Logan looks at him, “Nothing's wrong, I’m fine.”

Virgil looks unimpressed, “Logan your face looks exactly like it did that time Martin Addison said the earth was flat.” 

Checkmate, Logan cannot deflect anymore. “Fine, this essay is due tomorrow, I’m not even halfway through, and I can’t think of anything.” 

“Do you need help coming up with a thesis?” Virgil asks, tapping his fingers against Logan’s laptop. 

“No,” Logan snaps, “I have a sufficiently intricate outline, and a sufficient thesis, I just can’t write anything!”

Virgil holds his hands up in an I surrender gesture. 

“Ok,” Virgil says, and he’s so calm, why is he calm? If Logan doesn’t finish this essay he will not get an A, and he has to get an A. 

“Have you tried changing your music?” 

“What?” 

“Sometimes when I’m in a funk I try changing up my music, and it helps.”

“You listen to music other than MCR?” Logan asks.

Virgil rolls his eyes, “shocking I know.” He grabs Logan’s phone.

“Here, I’ve been listening to this new musical called Hamilton, it’s pretty awesome.”

“The musical is about Alexander Hamilton?” Logan asks, because why would anyone make a musical about a Founding Father? 

“Yep.”

“That sounds...interesting.” Logan doesn’t know how the conversation has led to this.

“Just try it,” Virgil says.

Logan shuffles the album because it’s not like he has any better ideas, and out of the two of them, Virgil is the writer. 

The song that comes on is titled  _ Guns and Ships _ . 

His parents have always told him never to listen to Hip hop or Rap music. Apparently only Hooligans listen to that kind of music. But Logan absolutely loves it. It has so much more urgency than the classical music he has grown up listening to. The words are so articulate that they come so quickly but Logan hangs on to every one of them. He should have explored more music sooner.

“Do you like it?” Virgil asks nonchalantly. 

“It’s not bad,” Logan says, but he knows Virgil will see his smile.

* * *

  
  


When Logan gets home, his parents are screaming at each other. Logan comes into the large house quickly and moves towards his room quickly. It’s instinct to step on the floorboards that don’t creak. Logan is a master of moving around his house without making a single sound. 

When he gets to his room his hands are shaking at a higher intensity than normal. Usually, he is used to his parents screaming so loud that the walls of the house seem to shake, but the more time he spends with the Virgil, the more he gets used to kindness, and more he realizes that His parents are the opposite of kind.

His go-to method to lower his heart rate is listening to classical music and opening a biology textbook. 

Today he scrolls past his classical music playlist and shuffles the Hamilton soundtrack. Instead of grabbing a textbook, he scrolls through the obscene amount of space memes Virgil has sent him. 

Late that night when his heart rate slows and he stops tapping his foot against his wood floor, Logan pulls out his notebook from under his bed and flips to the entry titled  _ Facts about Me _

Under number one he writes,  _ I like rap music.  _

_ **2.** _ **He wants to be an astrophysicist**

Logan should be smart, and disciplined. He should be focused and diligent. His parents have told him these things over and over again. 

Feelings are not something he should have. Love is not something Logan should have for anything or anyone. 

Sometimes Logan thinks his parents would prefer it if he turned into a robot.

Logan never really felt passionate about anything until he saw the night sky. 

Sure he enjoys math and science to a degree but that’s just because it is what Logan is supposed to like. 

That is until he was twelve when his family was on a vacation. His mother and father had decided to take him to a cabin. They were in a good mood, business had been booming. They hadn’t hit Logan in weeks. Logan was naive enough to believe they would change.

Logan was bad at camping, Logan was bad at fishing, Logan made an embarrassment of his family, and his parents were more than happy to tell him that. 

One night, after they screamed themselves hoarse, Logan snuck out through his window to find some fresh air, and that’s when he saw it. 

The milky way. The sky was painting with specks of light from millions of miles away. The light made up patterns and shapes in the sky. It was so beautiful. 

For Logan, the stars in the night sky are literally his lights in the darkness. 

He loves to learn about space. Late at night when his parents are fast asleep Logan will take out his laptop, open his private browser and spend hours and hours reading about space. The cups of coffee he has to drink the next morning just to stay awake are all worth it. 

The best thing about space is that it doesn’t give a shit about Logan. Space has no mercy, it just has laws. Space is always getting bigger, and Logan is just a tiny dot on it’s infinite radar. Space does not care if Logan messes up or says the wrong thing. Space does not care that Logan has only one friend or that he flinches when someone slams a door shut. Logan means nothing to the universe and it’s incredible. 

* * *

  
  


Slowly but surely, when Logan’s parents tell other people that he will be a neurosurgeon, he starts to correct them in his head.

_ I want to be an astrophysicist. _

Wanting things feels dangerous, even in his head. Logan exists to be seen not heard. He needs to stop being a failure, but the word sounds so right. 

He has never told anyone about his secret dream. He tells everyone he wants to be a neurosurgeon because saying his dream out loud would make it real. Dreams turn into goals once you put them in words. That’s scary. Pursuing something against the will of his parents is terrifying. 

Everyone always seems happy when Logan tells them about being a neurosurgeon. They think it’s perfect for him, and they’ll gush about how disciplined and focused he is. He’s a nerd and an overachiever, why wouldn’t that be his choice.

When he told Virgil, all he got in response was a surprised “Oh, ok” Virgil seemed surprised. After Logan told him there was a sad look in his eyes. 

Virgil probably forgot about the conversation the next day, but Logan can’t forget. 

Because for once in his life, someone might actually want him to be selfish. To follow naive dreams instead of the safe path laid down for him. 

The wanting gets stronger, day after day, to become his own person. Once Logan knows his potential he can’t ignore it anymore.

One night, when his parents won’t stop talking about an internship at the local hospital, Logan faces the illogical urge to scream. He needs to let someone know. He will not go down quietly. He wants someone to know that he didn’t want this. 

Late that night, Logan creeps back to his room. He crawls under his covers and opens Virgil’s contact information.

_ I can do this.  _

He hits the call button. 

“Logan? It’s 3 am, are you ok?” Virgil’s voice is sleepy and tinged with panic, and Logan realizes how late it is. 

“I don’t want to be a neurosurgeon.”

“What do you want to be then Lo?” 

“An astrophysicist.”

“You would be the best astrophysicist there is.”

“Virgil, Neal DeGrasse Tyson is the best astrophysicist.” 

“Nope, I’ve decided it’s you.” 

Logan smiles, “Thanks for picking up.” 

“I’ll always pick up for you.” 

Logan hangs up the phone and sits in shock. He did it. He told someone what he really wanted to do, and they didn’t get mad. They supported him. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Virgil.

Logan fishes out his journal from under his bed and writes, “2. I want to be an astrophysicist.” 

**3\. He can say no**

Logan’s week is going absolutely terribly. His workload has tripled, he’s managing college applications and studying for an extra pop quiz. And Yet, on top of that, he still has the students he tutors on Thursdays. 

Logan is about to explode, and honestly, he doesn’t know if he just means that figuratively. 

Logan likes to think of himself as a semi patient person. He knows that not everyone understands things as fast as him, and usually he enjoys teaching.

He has a feeling today might be different, and he is really not in the mood to get in a fight with Nice De Angelo or his surprisingly scary boyfriend. 

All Logan wants is to stop time so he can hang out with Virgil, but he’s so busy. He’s been awake for over 24 hours, and he’s pretty sure his blood is 50% coffee by now.

He can’t cancel. That would mean being useless, and Logan refuses to be useless. If he says no, people will stop being around him right? That’s why they stick around. Because of what Logan can do for them. Logan is smart, it’s his only positive trait. If he stops using that to help others, will they let him stay? 

When 4 pm rolls around, Logan almost trips over himself as he enters the library. His vision is blurry, and no matter how much he adjusts them, his glasses aren’t helping. 

If Virgil was here he’d probably tell Logan to just go the fuck to sleep. 

Nico is sitting at the table in the back with his headphones in when Logan walks up to him.

Apparently, Logan must look awful, because Nico doesn’t even mutter a hello he just says, “You look like shit.” 

Logan doesn’t bother denying, and just lets out a humorless laugh, “Yeah.”

“Want to reschedule? The test isn’t until next week.” Nico says.

Could Logan say no? Saying no feels dangerous, he’s been programmed to never put himself first. He’s supposed to break himself down for others. That’s how it’s always been, and Logan has just accepted it at face value. Despite being a firm believer in the scientific method, Logan had always accepted what his parents said as the truth, regardless of if they had evidentiary support or not. 

But now Logan can’t stop questioning what they do. He’s starting to question why he should be slapped for speaking without prompt. He’s starting to question why he needs to do everything his parents tell him. He’s starting to question the idea that he is a second class human being. He’s starting to think he might have worth, and that’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. 

Before he can fully think it threw, Logan blurts out, “Yes, that would be ideal.” 

He braces himself, waiting for Nico to start screaming or punching. Nothing happens. 

“Cool, I’ll see you next week Logan,” Nico says. 

Logan walks out of the library shellshocked. He did it. He said no. He put himself first for the first time in his life, and it feels incredible. Logan doesn’t want to stop saying no. He wants to create boundaries, and scream so loud that the world will finally stop hurting him. 

To everybody else, Logan saying no to Nico isn’t a big deal, but to Logan it means everything. 

That night when he gets home, he pulls out his journal from under his bed and scrawls out, “3. I can say no.” 

**4\. Imperfection is beautiful**

Logan has always valued perfection above all else. That’s all he’s wanted to be in life. Perfect. He’s always tried to work all his flaws away. He’s hated every one of his imperfections, no matter how small. Logan has always seen flaws as the ugliest part of a person. 

He’s terrified of becoming a mess. He doesn’t want to be weak, he doesn’t want to give people more weapons to hurt him with. 

Virgil Jones is an absolute mess. He laughs too loud and he gets angry quickly. He stays up until ungodly hours writing. He works on six projects at once. He has a concerning addiction to slushies. He’s passionate about everything he sets his mind to. He loves a mother who forced him to raise himself. 

Logan knows flaws are bad. But he also knows the Virgil is without a doubt the kindest, strongest, and most amazing person he’s ever met. Virgil is Logan’s gravity. Virgil grounds Logan, and no matter what he does Logan will always be pulled in by Virgil’s life. Virgil is so alive, Logan wonders how he does it. How Virgil can have all these flaws and turn them into immeasurable strength. 

He can’t stop thinking about it. The idea that maybe imperfection is what makes us human. That maybe the reason Virgil is so alive is that he isn’t always trying to suppress what makes him a human being. Virgil is too busy living to obsess over his flaws, unlike Logan.

When he gets home from school that day, he goes to his room, takes out his journal, and flips to the page titled, “my imperfections.” It’s the list he wrote on his birthday, a few days before he met Virgil.

_ I talk too much  _

_ I speak when not spoken too _

_ I doodle in the margins of my notebooks _

_ I don’t understand pop culture _

_ I wear glasses _

_ I’m too blunt _

_ I can’t run _

_ I’ve never been to a party _

_ I’m evasive _

_ I’m a know it all  _

_ I question my parents _

_ I have no clue what I want to do with my life  _

_ I have an unnecessary desire for physical affection _

_ I’m broken _

__ Logan ran his finger down the list, pausing at each entry. He was so different three months ago. 

He was starting to think that was a good thing. All of these flaws are what made him a person. Logan is proud of being an independent thinker, he’s proud of being someone who can’t be silenced. He wants to be imperfect.

He may be broken, but that’s okay too. 

Logan flips to his most recent entry and writes, “4. My imperfections are beautiful.” 

  
  


**5\. Things will get better**

“Logan Knight?” Mr. Hart calls from his office. 

“That’s me,” Logan says. He gets up from the creaky chair in the hallway outside of the college counseling office and walks into Mr. Hart’s office. 

For lack of a better phrase, Mr. Hart’s room looks like a rainbow threw up in it. There are so many motivational posters that there’s barely any wall space. He has a shelf with multi-colored binders, and their spines are covered in stickers. His desk is messy, and all his pencil seem to have cats on them. 

“Take a seat kiddo.” Mr. Hart says. 

After Logan sits down he continues, “So as you probably know, college admissions have begun, so I was wondering what your goals were for this year.” Mr. Hart crosses one leg over the other and looks at Logan patiently. 

Logan says what he’s supposed to say, “My parents want me to become a neurosurgeon, so that plan involves going to Harvard and majoring in biology, and then attending medical school.” He never uses the word, I or mine. The defiant part of Logan hopes Mr. Hart will notice.

Mr. Hart nods, “Well normally I’d tell people that’s too ambitious but you certainly have the grades. You’ve maintained a 4.0 GPA throughout high school, gotten 5s on all your AP tests, and even managed to get 1600 on the SAT, you’re incredible. You could probably go to school anywhere” 

Logan nods, he knows all this already. 

“So what excites you about becoming a neurosurgeon Logan?” Mr. Hart asks, and Logan freezes. He’s never been asked that question before. 

“It’ll make my parents happy.” Logan blurts out. Shit. He’s not supposed to say that. 

Mr. Hart nods calmly, even when Logan feels himself cracking, “What do you really want to do for a job Logan?” Mr. Hart asks. 

_ Astrophysics.  _

“Does it Matter?” Logan snaps, “My parents are paying for college, it doesn’t matter what I want.” 

Mr. Hart laughs, and Logan has no idea how to behave, “I’m sorry for laughing Logan, it’s just that if anyone could get a full ride to college it’s you.”

“What do you mean by that?” Logan asks skeptically. 

“You’re an extraordinary student. Your test scores are in the top 1% of all students, kiddo, schools would be crazy not to want you.” 

Logan is too shocked to respond. 

“So,” Mr. Hart smiles, “Is there anything you wanna major in? I'm a college counselor for a reason I’m sure I could find you a good scholarship.” 

“Astrophysics,” Logan mumbles. Hope feels dangerous. 

“Sorry, could you speak up a little more, my old ears couldn’t hear you kiddo.” Mr. Hart says. 

“I’m interested in pursuing a career in astrophysics,” Logan says, a little more confidently. 

Mr. Hart’s face lights up, “That’s awesome! I love space.” He says and then starts ruffling through a mess of pamphlets on his desk.

Logan taps his fingers against the armrest nervously. The only person he’s told about his dream is Virgil, and now the college counselor knows about it. This cannot end well. Logan forces himself not to sprint right out of the office. 

“Aha!” Mr. Hart shouts, snapping Logan out of his thoughts. “Here it is.” 

He hands Logan the pamphlet and Logan takes it with restrained interest.

“This college is great, it has a merit scholarship program, and it’s astrophysics program is one of the best in the country, I think you’d really like it.” 

“This college is over a thousand miles away,” Logan says, uncharacteristically dumbfounded.

“Yeah, it is Kiddo.” Mr. Hart says with a soft look in his eyes. Logan has a feeling Mr. Hart knows more than what he lets on. 

The bell rings before either of them can say anything else. 

* * *

  
  


Logan’s backpack feels heavier with Mr. Hart’s pamphlet in his bag. Before he gets home, he drops it in a nearby trash can. His parents are prone to searching his bag and Logan doesn’t want to take any risks. 

When he walks through the front door his father doesn’t waste time with a hello he just says, “Did your college counselor start the admissions process with you?”

“Not yet,” Logan says smoothly. His father looks him over for a few seconds and nods curtly. Logan feels the relief hit him like a balming wave. 

After completing his chores, Logan heads to his room and completes all his homework, even the projects not due for a while. When he’s done he silently creeps down the hall. His parents are asleep. When Logan gets back to his room, he looks left and right and then slowly opens his laptop. 

He hesitates for a few seconds before pulling up the website of the college Mr. Hart told him about. He barely breathes when he clicks over to the scholarship application page. 

He fills out the forms, and when asked for his major, he clicks astrophysics, not biology. 

When he shuts off his screen, Logan has done it. He has applied for a chance to get away from his parents and study his passion, all for free. 

For most of his life, Logan has believed that nothing would ever get better. He would be stuck with his parents, then he would be forced into a career by his parents, and he would die indebted to them. 

Now, hope is overwhelming. The possibilities are overwhelming. Regardless of whether or not he gets in, Logan knows one thing for sure. Things will get better. He won’t always feel bad. He can pull himself out of the darkness. Because Logan is tough and he can survive anything. 

In the entry titled  _ Facts About Me,  _ Logan writes, “5. Things will get better.” 

**+1. He’s someone’s best friend**

“Slushies? Again?” Logan groans, but Virgil just smirks at him. 

“You know the drill teaches,” Virgil says, “Fridays are for slushies.” 

“It’s just frozen sugar,” Logan says.

“And?” Virgil shoots back, “Besides I want you to meet Janus.” 

“I thought you hated him,” Logan says confused. 

Virgil laughs, “Oh I do.” 

Logan doesn’t really get it, but he decides not to say anything. 

They get in Virgil’s car, and Virgil blasts his music. Today it’s All Time Low. Virgil sings along and he’s so offkey, but Logan smiles anyways. Getting slushies on Fridays is one of the best constants in Logan’s life. 

When they get to the 7/11 parking lot there are a few cars in the lot, but it’s relatively empty. 

Virgil pushes the door to the convenience shop open dramatically. 

The man by the cashier doesn’t look up from his book when he says, “Good afternoon Virgil.” 

“Hey Janus,” Virgil says. 

Logan stands there not knowing what to do, but Virgil grabs his arm and pulls him towards the register. The man at the cashier, Janus, looks up in mild interest. 

“Logan this is Janus, the bane of my existence,” Virgil says, and Janus gives Logan a little sarcastic wave, “-and Janus this is my best friend Logan.” 

“Pleasure to meet you,” Janus says snarkily, but Logan’s brain is too busy short-circuiting to hear him. 

_ This is my best friend Logan.  _

Virgil thinks Logan is his best friend. 

Logan resists the illogical urge to shake his hands in happiness. 

Janus keeps talking, “So you're a blue raspberry guy?” 

For some reason, Logan blushes, “Yeah that’s me.” 

Janus nods in approval, “At least someone has taste.” 

“Hey!” Virgil says, but Janus doesn’t look sorry.

They grab their slushies and head back to Virgil’s car, and all Logan can think about is how Virgil introduced Logan as his best friend. 

Virgil takes a sip of his slushie and turns to Logan, “Everything ok?” He asks. 

“In the store, you referred to me as your best friend,” Logan says, and Virgil looks away from Logan. 

“Uh yeah I did, because I um, see you as a best friend? It’s totally ok if that was weird or if I upset you, I know I might be taking things too far.” Virgil rambled. 

Logan put his hand on top of Virgil’s to cut off the rambling and Virgil looked up in surprise, “I don’t mind, I… see you as my best friend as well.” Logan said. The phrase best friend felt weird on his tongue.

Virgil smiled at him, “Okay good, because that could have gotten real awkward, real fast.” 

Logan laughs. His ribs shake and there are tears in his eyes. He can’t breathe but he doesn’t care. He’s so happy. He’s someone’s best friend. He’s not alone. He has a person to get slushies and hang out with. He has a person who would fight the entire world just to protect him. He has a best friend and it feels amazing. 

He wants to spend the rest of his life with Virgil. He wants to get slushies until they’re gray and old. 

It’s in that moment where Logan finally, for the first time in his entire life feels truly alive. Sitting in a car with his best friend.

He doesn't need to write it down to know that he’s Virgil’s best friend. He doesn’t need the list anymore. Logan knows who he is. He’s passionate and determined. He flinches at loud noises and can’t handle people yelling at him. He’s defiant and nerdy. He’s flawed and broken. He’d do just about anything for his best friend. 

He’s a human being, and that’s pretty fucking great.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! I'm really proud of this piece, so comments and kudos are very appreciated. Have a great day!


End file.
